Theme Songs
by DreamWings231
Summary: Trying to inspire Wash to get his own theme song, the Reds and Blues sing theirs. And within the RvB inverse, there are a lot of songs about nothing or everything. Songfics.
1. Zero Hit Wonders

For one of the rare moments of Wash's life, he's finally gets to have a day with no bullets firing at him, no soldiers arresting him, and no crazy AI taking over someone and destroying shit.

It felt like forever since the last time that it was midday and Wash wasn't even in armor. After all, the Reds and Blues found out their little war was just training (Wash is pretty sure that Sarge is still coping) and he's starting to get used to Valhalla.

Everything felt peaceful.

"Wasthingtub!"

Never mind.

Looking up from his book, Wash sighed, "What is it Caboose?"

"Tucker and I need to talk to you. It is very _important!_" The taller blond announced, grabbing Wash's arm and nearly dragging him into the living room, leaving the book forgotten in the ex-Freelancer's room.

Settling on the couch, the blond looked up to Tucker and Caboose standing in front of him, "Okay, what's going on?"

"Wash, what's something that we have and you don't?" Tucker asked, gesturing to himself and Caboose then pointing at the new recruit.

"Informal training or no training at all."

"No, something nonmilitary related."

"Beats me."

Shaking his head with a look on his face that could be mistaken as disappointment, Tucker sat down next to Wash, resting a hand on his shoulder, "You don't have a theme song."

Blinking a bit, Wash remained confused by the stupidity of his new teammates, "What? A theme song. _Really?_"

"Yep," confirmed Caboose, taking the empty spot on Wash's left, "I have a really cool one, Tucker has a stupid, and Church's was about shapes."

"It was when Epsilon was in that sphere artifact," Tucker explained to Wash's growing confusion, "He was a real jackass when he was being praised by those aliens."

"I didn't like them," commented Caboose, "I was worshiping Church before it was cool!"

"Wait, are you telling me," Wash started with disbelief, "That I need a theme song to be on Blue Team?"

"It's to make you seem cooler," Tucker answered.

"Yeah," Was said in an annoyed tone, "I don't sing."

"Oh don't say that Washington," Caboose replied happily then abruptly stood up, glee and excited exposed in his eyes, "I know! We will sing our songs! And you will be so inspired by our voices!"

"You're kidding right?"

"He wasn't kidding," Tucker thought out loud as Simmons activated the hologram room of Red Base.

"Alright Blues," Sarge huffed, "I'll allowing you access to Red Base only if I sing my song."

"Even you guys have theme songs?" Wash cried out.

"No just Sarge and Donut," Grif explained, "Making and singing a song is too much work and Simmons' will just screw up and make it nerdy."

"That's not true!" pouted Simmons, setting the room to project a concert stage.

Donut then cheerfully said, "I should sing my song too! You all know how I love it when there's a big, solid mic near my face!"

"No!" The other Reds yelled as the two Blues tried to ignore the pink soldier.

Hopping on the stage, Caboose grinned and held the microphone and began singing,

_"Remember that time I saved your life, you were happy I could tell.  
You said something about how I was smart and I make your life a living heaven." _

Wash's face displayed confusion and was about to comment when Tucker interrupted, "It gets worse."

_"We do everything together like hide and don't seek; your favorite game. But I am so glad that we found each other and I know you feel the identical way as me."_ Caboose closed his eyes and smiled, _"Church, I'm your best friend, that's what I am to you. And we'll be together till the part where it's over, because we're brothers and not red, brothers and not red."_

"This is kind of sad," Wash muttered as the song continued.

Sarge nodded in agreement, "Yes, Caboose's loyalty has to be his strongest quality, besides stupidness."

_"Because we're such a great team when we're together like chocolate and peanut candy!"_

"Chocolate and peanut candy," Grif repeated thoughtfully.

Rolling his eyes, Simmons grumbled as the chorus repeated, "Of course that's what you say about the song."

_"And Church we'll weather that storm together and I'll be by your side. You don't have to worry because Tucker is stupid,"_ the teal soldier glared at his snickering commander_, "Stupid. You don't have to worry because Tucker did it, Tucker did it."_

"Stop being a dick," Tucker punched Wash's arm but didn't stop the man from smirking.

_"Church, I am your best friend! Do not listen to Tucker! This song is not creepy, not creepy at all. And Church you don't have to worry because Tucker is stupid! We'll weather that storm, Tucker's storm, there's no storm that Tucker can make that we can't snuggle together!"_

"Okay, I had enough," Sarge announced as he walked on stage and ripped the microphone from Caboose, shoving him off the edge, "Simmons, give me a fat beat!"

The voice command of Simmons 2.0 activated and played a fat beat.

_"I got the Blues in a headlock, I got the Blues in my shotgun's sight. I got the Blues, they can't get away. Gonna make those Blues say the last goodnight!"_

"Does he still believe in the Red and Blue war?" Wash asked.

"Probably not as much as back then with you telling him everything was a lie," Donut concluded.

Sighing, Grif whined, "Man he basically lost it when I told him the news, he even tried to build a new Red Base out of trash!"

"He just had his entire military life broken," Simmons defended.

"Dude, it was a pretty sad sight," commented Tucker.

Caboose piped in, "He made a really nice speech too. I enjoyed it a lot."

_"Hop in the jeep, put the pedals to the metal. Have it tearing through the canyon while I'm yelling like rebel. We may not have a tank but you can take it to the bank. I'm the soldier of most bolder, I got the highest rank._ And I intend to use it, I hereby order you to boogie," no dared to dance aside from Donut who began swaying his hips, "Not you Donut. No one wants to see that."

The pink soldier stopped and pouted, "Ah come on!"

_"I got the Blues right where I want them. I got the Blues but I got Grif too,"_ Grif just rolled his eyes, _"I got the Blues stuck in this canyon so long and sometimes I don't know what to do. _Oh wait, yes I do, shoot them! Blues, you just got Sarged!"

Simmons and Donut was the only ones clapping as Sarge got off the stage and Tucker grabbed the mic, "Simmons, any chance you can get holographic girls?"

"You want Carolina or Tex?"

"Never mind!" Tucker said quickly, "I am not taking any chance with either of them, hologram or not!" The music started and Tucker had his flirting smirk on, _"Everybody knows about Tucker. They say I'm a bad motherfucker. I could spend every day thinking about chicks, think about Tootsie Roll Pops, how many licks."_

"Oh god," Wash groaned and face palmed, "I should have known this would be his theme song would be about girls and sex,"

_"I'm so alone out in this canyon. Not one single girl out in his canyon or anything rhyming with canyon. So come and see if you need a new man-yon!"_

"There's bound to be something that rhymes with canyon," Simmons mused.

"Really, like orange?" Grif rhetorically asked.

"Peanut candy," Caboose repeated.

_"When I see the ladies I say bow chicka bow wow! When the ladies see me they say bow chicka bow wow. Cause they know I treat them right, bow chicka bow wow. When I think about you I say bow chicka wow wow wow. Cause I know you're out of sight!"_

"Does this song even seduce people?" Wash muttered.

"Wash, this is us we're talking about," Grif countered, "Obviously we're gonna sing stupid shit."

"The most surprising thing would be us singing well in the first place," commented Simmons as Tucker started rapping in third person.

_"Guess whose back in the house again. Tuck called me up, said he needed a friend, to play his wing and so my thing. Jump on the track make the ladies sing. Bow. All for Tuck, that boy's the truth, and the king in the booth. Doctor Ruth ain't touching Tuck, cause the ladies know he's doctor fuck! Bow chicka bow wow"_

"It's almost over right?" Wash asked removing his hand from his forehead.

_"Cause I know you're out of sight!"_ Tucker still had a smirk as he walked back to Wash, "So, are you inspired yet?"

"Not even close."

"Oh, it's my turn!" Donut dashed up to the stage

The music began before the Reds yelled, "NO!"

_"Let me blow you away! You won't believe your eyes and ears today! You are in for a surprise when you look into my eyes. You won't be able to deny my gaze!"_

Tucker and Wash's eyes were wide open, in shock at the blonde's voice as Wash questioned, "Your what?"

"Come on," Donut said cheerfully, "You can't deny my deep, penetrating eye contact, my gaze!"

The two Blues glanced uncomfortably at each other and Tucker hesitantly said, "Bow chicka bow wow?"

"He does have nice eyes," Caboose pointed out.

Donut continued his singing as Sarge uneasily said, "Yeah, it's best to ignore him when he talks like that."

_"Let me start with this inquiry, which I've recorded in my diary, I've got a secret thing I want to say. What's worse than a conundrum or a cheerleader threesome?"_

"Bow chicka bow wow!"

_"Not taking the time to enjoy life each day. You see the fun will never cease, as long as we've got elbow grease. There's really nothing to it, when you're using headlight fluid!"_

"Um, headlight fluid?" commented Wash.

"Dude," Grif shook his head, "Just don't ask."

_"I caught the fever for hot fun and I'm recruiting everyone. You know this army needs a little style. Hold my ankles, dress my hammies, I hope you like double whammies, cause I'm gonna dance and sing until you smile. Some soldiers only work or nap, while I ride in shotgun's lap. The solution is simple, I'll fill them up with my potential!"_

"Donut please!" Simmons pleaded, "Enough of the double entendres!"

His pled was ignored as the pink solder continued singing the rest of the song while the Reds and Wash were grimacing, Tucker was saying his catch phase whenever the felt was right, and Caboose was nodding his head to the music.

_"Let me blow you away. I'm on my knee just to have a chance today. If you see me winking, it's because we are both thinking, this light-ish red armor looks so garish!"_

"Um," Wash blinked in confusion, "What did you just call your armor?"

"Garish," Donut chirped, "It means totally lacking in good taste."

"Like this song," Simmons bluntly said.

"For the millionth time, Donut!" Grif yelled "Your armor is clearly pink!"

"It's light-ish red!"

Sarge sighed, "Why won't he just admit it?"

"Yeah, you're not fooling anyone, Donut," agreed Simmons.

"Um are we still talking about his armor color?" questioned Tucker, "Or something else?"

"Enough talk you guys!" Donut declared, "It's time for some action!"

"NO!" the Reds yelled as the pink solder sang the final chorus.

_"So let me blow you, blow you all! One by one, individually, or in a group! Blow you away!"_ Holographic fireworks exploded the Reds' and Blues' heads.

The Blue commander looked at Tucker, "I am not having a theme song."

"This is the stupidest idea ever."

"What? No 'of all time'?"

"I'm saving that for the future," Wash rubbed his temple and tapped the mic, "This is still a stupid idea. And where the hell did you find a guitar?"

Tucker strummed a few chords and shrugged, "Well I thought about how I found my sword in a hole so I looked around the ship."

"Do you even know how to play it?"

"A lot of girls love guitarist, finger skills and all."

"Of course that's your reason."

"Wash, stop stalling and sing. The sooner we finish the sooner that voice of yours is playing throughout the radio stations."

"Can't we just say that we need help?"

"Songs are way catchier."

Wash hesitantly tapped the mic, "For the record, this is not my theme song, this is for our situation."

"Duly noted, now sing."

Frowning, Wash pressed the record button of the radio system and began singing, "_We've been here so long. Still I remember a rainy September, contact. Two-Four-One-Ten, Two-Four-One-Ten. Am I transmitting, is anyone listening? Contact._

_Two-Four-One-Ten, Two-Four-One-Ten. Am I still willing to foot all this billing? Contact.  
We are green and grey. The longness of semper, still I remember. Contact.  
Two-Four-One-Ten, Two-Four-One-Ten. Am I transmitting, is anyone listening? Contact._

_Riding on our shining metal horses; singing a rider's song. One of us won't be forgotten, the other one's wrong.  
Two-Four-One-Ten, Two-Four-One-Ten. Am I still willing to foot all this billing? Contact._

_When I think of you, your name's in the sky, ninety feet high. Contact.  
riding on our shining metal horses; singing a rider's song. One of us won't be forgotten, the other one's wrong._

* * *

Thanks for reading!


	2. A Locksmith's Song

It was over.

The words repeated in Carolina's head, Project Freelancer was over. All the AI saved from Epsilon was destroyed by the EMP Wash told her about and the Director was dead, her father was gone, just like her mother.

But the equipment was another story.

Carolina had just finish intercepting a radio transmission from an empty control panel room of the giant ship she and the Reds and Blues were on when Church popped in front of her face.

"Um, Carolina?" the AI scratched the back of his helmet, "I found something."

"Will you ever be specific?"

Church's white form flickered to green, Delta replied, "We found an audio message from York."

"You did? What is it?"

Delta flickered back to Church, "Yeah, this is where is gets weird." The green light returned and began the audio.

"Hello lovely people listening,"York greeted, "I promise you, this will not be a waste of time."

"I'm being forced against my will!" Wash cried out, "Please save me from this sick torture!"

"Wash," North called out, "You don't have to make a big deal out of this. This might be fun."

"I don't sing."

York's laughter rang out, "You still lost the bet. Be a man of your word."

"Shut up."

"You just couldn't go that long without your cat poster."

"Shut up!" Wash yelled at York's increasing laughs.

"By the way," North began, "Carolina, if you're listening to this, kill York first."

"I repeat; I am against my will! Connie! Have mercy on me and save me!" The sound of something hitting the back of Wash's head was heard.

A drum beat started and the Freelancers began singing, _"Come on Carolina, have fun Carolina. You're always being such a bitch!"_

Carolina half hearty glared at the AI but smiled sadly at the song progressed.

Taking solo, York sang out, _"I'd like to take you to a movie, but you won't leave the training room floor. I wanna bring you to the mall to buy shoes, but you're obsessed with your leaderboard, baby!"_

Chuckling a bit, she had a small guilty smile.

_"Why don't you give me a ring? Why do you make it so hard for me to love you? I'm gonna do what it takes, but could you please stop kicking me?"_

As the chorus began, Delta shifted to Epsilon who had his helmet off, lip syncing and pointing at her, _"Come on Carolina, have fun Carolina. You're always being such a bitch!"_

Smiling, she swatted him away to shift back to Delta, _"Come on Carolina, let's run Carolina. We'll leave this place and fly though space. And start a different life and have babies with green eyes."_

The ex-Freelancer froze, her green eyes flashing different emotions of pain, sorrow, and regret.

_"Maybe we could get a disco, or skate down and check on the shore. We could stay home and cuddle and play a little Halo 4, naked!"_

Tilting her head down, Carolina laughed as a stray tear fell.

_"I know you wanna kick ass, I know you're drying to rip that Tex to pieces. But baby both of us know, that bitch will have you on your knees." _

Memories of the robotic Tex army flooded her head but also the memory of her and York fighting on the elevator and how she threw back the lighter. And then finding the lighter.

_"Come on Carolina, have fun Carolina. You're always being such a bitch! Come on Carolina, let's run Carolina. We'll leave this place, fly through space. And start a different life, and have babies with green eyes."_

Delta shifted to Church, "Carolina?"

The redhead sighed and brushed away the dried tear marks and rubbed the water out of her eyes, "I'm fine, thanks for showing me this."

"No problem, this is the only way I can call you a bitch."

* * *

Yeah, this is what happens after a repeat of Come On Carolina.

Thanks for reading!


	3. Rebels' Anthem

"Hey, what's going on?"

Felix was looked up from his plate of what's supposed to be pasta to see the three Captains watching majority of the New Republic leave the mess hall to the main grass area of the cave.

Answering Tucker's question, Felix shrugged, "Oh, a few Chorus soldiers sometimes perform, guitar, drums, the whole band deal."

"They sing songs?" Grif asked after stuffing an Oreo in his mouth, "They do know this isn't a summer camp, right?"

"Look, I don't really care about them singing or something; doesn't matter to me."

"We should go!" Caboose shouted, already leaving their table.

"Yeah, you totally should!" a shout behind Simmons agreed. The maroon soldier yelped when Jensen grabbed his arm and started dragging her captain outside, "They're really awesome! They're the best band here cause they're the only band here!"

Simmons shuttered a reply that was barely understandable but didn't protest against his lieutenant. Grif rolled his eyes at the mess Simmons is and followed them out. Tucker and Felix finally decided to go after them when their food twitched.

In the middle of the grass commons area, four soldiers in regular clothes were testing their sound equipment. Many Chorusians were lounging on the ground, mindlessly chatting until the band's youngest tapped the microphone.

"Hello Chorus, like every other week, Trocadero will sing for you guys, just wait a couple of minutes please."

"Trocadero? What kind of name is that?" Tucker asked as the Captains and Felix leaned against the mess hall's wall, not bothering to move forward to the crowd of soldiers unlike Jensen who already left them, much to Simmons relief.

Passing by them, Palomo answered, "It's named after Williams' dad's band. I heard that after the first Williams KIA, Casey joined the New Republic and brought her band friend with her."

The lieutenant walked back to his friends as the bass guitarist began strumming. Everyone in the commons stayed quiet and a few began swaying to the music as Williams sang.

_"In love, in need, in want, in miss, I taste your bite, I taste your kiss. And I think back the things you said, they make me mad, a bull to red." _

Tucker and Grif frowned, instantly thinking of all the arguments they made with Wash and Sarge.

_"And I wonder where you are, and I wonder what you wore. And I'm lost inside a bar, and I'm drunk inside a war. And I wonder where you are."_

Caboose was sitting on the ground by Tucker's feet, the question of where Church is lingering in his head. Next to Grif, Simmons' human hand ghost over his mechanical hand, thinking back to their Blood Gulch days.

_"Drinking martinis by myself on a Sunday, drinking martinis again on Monday. It's a half-life, it's a half-life, it's a half-life, it's a half-life."_

Felix watched as a few lighters flickered on in the crowd, nearly everyone was swaying to the music and he closed his own eyes, listening to the cello.

_"I buy your brand, I smoke your brand, I count the what ifs on one hand. And I wonder where you are, and I wonder what you wore. And I lost inside a bar, and I'm drunk inside a war. And I wonder where you are."_

The faces of Donut, Sarge and Washington popped up in the Blood Gulch Reds and Blues' head, even the head of Lopez.

_"Drinking martinis alone Sunday morning, drinking martinis again Sunday evening. It's a half-life, it's a half-life, it's a half-life, it's a half-life."_

The guitarists strummed down on their instruments, a sudden burst of energy filled the cave as the crowd cheered. The captains took in the energy the New Republic was emitting, after their first failed training simulations; this was the first time they saw their soldiers smile so bright.

_"And I wonder where you are."_

* * *

I just felt like I should do this song when I first saw the teaser and even more so with the first episode.

Thanks for reading!


	4. Caboose Learned Something Today

The four rebels watched their captains bicker about who's the team leader going to be until Smith voiced a solution, "Excuse me sirs? We could always vote."

Grif, Tucker, and Simmons all froze at the idea and agreed that it was better than any of their stupid ideas but then Caboose scratched his helmet, "Um, what is this voting?"

"Voting is when a group of people agree or disagree on a decision made by a person or group, in this case either of us being the leader of the rescue mission," Simmons explained.

Judging by the silent and blank stare Caboose had, Grif commented, "I don't think he got the message."

It wasn't until after an awkward silence of all seven soldiers staring at the Blue captain, Caboose voiced his thoughts, "Voting is people agreeing on something."

"Fuck, he actually understands?" Tucker asked in disbelief.

"And that something is to agree to not vote!" Caboose yelled with excitement, "Because voting is for kittens and babies!"

"Ah, there it is."

"I'm pretty sure Captain Caboose means that voting or democracy can be for any species or age," Smith piped in and praised, "This man never ceases to amaze me, he is so considerate for all speacies."

The three captains stared at the Caboose fan, still not believing how anyone sees Caboose, _their_ Caboose, as a fucking genius. Suddenly, said blue captain started jumping.

"Oh! You can sing it to me!"

Grif tilted his head, "Um, what? Sing what?"

"A catchy song of voting will teach all of us something! And Church said that learning is good!" Caboose reminisced, "Yeah, Church would teach me how to stay in one spot and not breath for a really long time till the part where the inside part of my neck hurts and I want to take a nap and then have food nap time!"

The lieutenants and privates asides from Smith stared oddly at Caboose.

"Why the fuck would we even sing for you?" Tucker questioned, once again annoyed of Caboose, "It's not like we can even make up a song that fast for you to understand anything."

"Um," Grif hummed, "Actually, we do have something."

"What?"

"Yeah, before we left Blood Gulch after Tex's ship exploded," Simmons started to explain.

Grif interrupted, "Stupid ship, exploding when I wasn't looking," there a pause and then he immaturely yells, "Boo!"

"We had a lot of free time then Donut got sick and insisted that we sing a song for him to get better," Simmons sighed, "Somehow we ended up making a song about voting." To the lieutenants' surprise, beeping noises came from the maroon captain as paper came out of his butt.

"You guys see the paper too, right?" Palomo hesitantly asked.

"Wow!" Jensen yelled with amazement, "I alwayth knew Captain Thimmonth wath a thborg. I jutht didn't think he'd be part fax mathhine!"

Grif swiped the paper from Simmons' backside, he dully and reluctantly asks, "Okay, who wants to sing Sarge's part?"

Tucker looked at the lyrics and suggested, "Maybe we can pay Felix to sing."

"Felix? Can he even do a Southern accent?" Simmons questioned, "Besides, what would we pay him with, Grif's Oreos?"

"Whoa, wait; what!" Grif exclaimed.

Scratching the chin of his helmet, Tucker thought aloud, "It could work, I mean, when was the last time he had Oreos?"

"We are not giving him my Oreos! No way in hell!"

"Okay," Tucker rolled his eyes, "I'll be Sarge, at least there's only one line."

"Yay! I want you all to sing too!" Caboose cheered happily and shoved the lyrics to Smith as the other three read the chorus.

Bitters looked over to his fellow rebels, "What the fuck is going on?"

Tucker coughed and poorly mimicked Sarge's accent, "I'm not hearing entertaining and informative lyrics!"

The four rebels stared at Simmons when a drum beat emitted from the Red Captain as he started singing, _"Well, let us with you our knowledge about the electoral college."_

_"It comes after voting high school,"_ Grif sang.

_"No it doesn't, that's a lie, fool."_

_"Right, I mean high school civics."_

_"Come on, boys, now be specific. To sing this here election song for us, I think you'll need a big, strong chorus,"_ Tucker sang his only line, watching the rebels sing their part with Caboose jumping up to beat of the song.

_"We are citizens of this land, and we're here to lend a hand. We come together and we vote, because we're all in the same boat."_

Grif and Simmons continue their banter in the song, _"Elections take place in sea?"_

_"They're speaking metaphorically!"_

"Bitterth, thop pretending to thing!" Jensen scolded.

The orange rebel groaned but sang along, _"It's our future that we are choosing."_

_"Voting is time travel? This is so confusing!"_ Grif exaggeratedly waved his arms up with Simmons sighing with annoyance.

_"It's a lot of to master but it really got its perks. And that's how voting works!"_ Palomo quickly got into the groove of the song and got onto one knee and did jazz hands.

Smith and Jensen laughed while Bitters rolled his eyes but was glad that his helmet hid his smile.

The song continued much to Grif's dismays, "Wait, we're doing the full song? Why not short way like before?"

"Oh shut up Grif," Simmons argued "It's not bad to do more."

"God I do not want to listen to all this nerdy politics shit," Tucker complained.

Palomo tried to brighten his captain's mood, "This is actually pretty fun!"

"I fucking hate you," Tucker muttered as rebels sang.

_"Our elective representatives come from every state and that's what gives them us strength through adversity, it's not a university."_

_"And we vote every four years,"_ Grif added.

_"Every two!"_ Jensen corrected.

_"Is that true?"_

_"Don't you pay attention to the midterm campaign?"_ Simmons continued on with the educational part of the song.

_"This has to stop, voting hurts my brain!"_ Grif yelled, "This song too!"

"It might seem a little crazy and yes it got its quirks, but that's how voting works!"

"I get it!" Caboose calmly explained, "Voting is by popular demand but it can be different from place to place and our votes count."

Tucker was about to call bullshit on Caboose's intelligence but stopped, "You know what, I'm just let him be smart until he says something stupid."

"I know the guy we are choosing from are all a bunch of jerks," rebels sang but thought how that line can apply to their situation right now, "But that's how voting works!"

"Alright now that that's over," Simmons concluded, "I'll go first and say my speech on why I should be the leader!"

Tucker rolled his eyes, "Whatever dude."

"I regret you making this song," Grif complained.

Mumbling to himself, Caboose said, "It's like being class president."

* * *

Yeah so I felt like writing something Grimmons so I made Grif's hand be near Simmons' butt.

P.S. Edited ch. 1 and extended Contact.


End file.
